The Joke Thread

[atlantisonearth]

Clean jokes only.

A woman went to the Doctor and said "When I looked in the mirror this morning, I saw my hair was frizzy, my skin wrinkly, my eyes bloodshot ? what is wrong with me?".
The Doctor replied "Well the good news is that your eyesight is fine".

Source: (http://jilljuck.com/jokes)

[pinkster73]

So there's 2 muffins in an oven.
One muffin turns to the other muffin and says "gee, it sure is hot in here"
The other muffin says "Omg a talking muffin!"

[viviansmo]

stolen from a friend...

How I learned to mind my own business:

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting,"13....13....13..."

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some jerk poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then they all started shouting, "14....14....14..."

[pinkster73]

stolen from a friend...

How I learned to mind my own business:

Ha ha that's a good one!

[kooky panda]

How do you make a kleenex dance?


You put a little boogie in it!!!!


(my nephews favorite joke)

[atlantisonearth]

:confused:

[atlantisonearth]

How do you make a kleenex dance?


You put a little boogie in it!!!!


(my nephews favorite joke)

Ahh lol! TEN characters TEN characters

[atlantisonearth]

1st woman: Hi, Wanda!

2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How’d you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was *****ing, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement, then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer—we’d both still be alive.

[dria_91]

1st woman: Hi, Wanda!

2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia! How’d you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was *****ing, so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement, then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.

I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer—we’d both still be alive.
LMAO! that's a good one! hilarious!

[casadolce]

How do you make a kleenex dance?


You put a little boogie in it!!!!


(my nephews favorite joke)

Ewwww.... :)

[lanicefaith]

An elderly couple is at a beauty supply store and her husband says "do you want me to get a shopping cart",lol

[atlantisonearth]

An elderly couple is at a beauty supply store and her husband says "do you want me to get a shopping cart",lol

+1 lmao

ten characters ten characters

[mushroom79]

IRISH TALKING CLOCK



After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new
apartment to a couple of his friends.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

http://i43.tinypic.com/21jyoau.jpg

'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'YUP, it is' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an Ear-shattering pound and stepped back. .

The three stood looking at one another for a moment....

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed,



'YOU #@*%&+! IT'S THREE-FIFTEEN IN THE MORNING!”

[TransAmTam]

Ha ha!!!

[viviansmo]

I need a clock like that. Lol!

[queentina3]

A warthog hits this lady and the husband calls 911.

The operator asks, "Where are you at"?

The husband replies, "I'm on Eucolipstic Road."

The operator asks, "Can you spell that for me?"

"Well... I'll just drag her over to Oak so you can you pick her up there?"

[iusedtobedigusr]

1.My Mother & Father taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to **** each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2.My mother & father taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3.My mother & father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4.My mother & father taught me LOGIC.

" Because I said so, ! that's why."

5.My mother & father taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6.My mother & father taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7.My mother & father taught me IRONY

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8.My mother & father taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9.My mother & father taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10.My mother & father taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11.My mother & father taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12.My mother & father taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13.My mother & father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"We brought you into this world, and we can take you out."

14.My mother & father taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your (father) or (mother)!"

15.My mother & father taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16.My mother & father taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

17.My mother & father taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18.My mother & father taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother & father taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20.My mother & father taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21.My mother & father taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22.My mother & father taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father or mother, whichever was talking it was the other one."

23.My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24.My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite:My mother taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

[pops1972]

1.My Mother & Father taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to **** each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2.My mother & father taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3.My mother & father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4.My mother & father taught me LOGIC.

" Because I said so, ! that's why."

5.My mother & father taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6.My mother & father taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7.My mother & father taught me IRONY

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8.My mother & father taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9.My mother & father taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10.My mother & father taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11.My mother & father taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12.My mother & father taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13.My mother & father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"We brought you into this world, and we can take you out."

14.My mother & father taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your (father) or (mother)!"

15.My mother & father taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16.My mother & father taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

17.My mother & father taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18.My mother & father taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother & father taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20.My mother & father taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21.My mother & father taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22.My mother & father taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father or mother, whichever was talking it was the other one."

23.My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24.My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite:My mother taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
Rolf hilarious. I want to email this to my mom.

[MizCricket]

My son's favorite joke when he was little:

Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road?

He had no guts!!!

[queentina3]

*snorts* That is pretty funny MizCricket. I'll have to ask my kids tomorrow on the way to school some jokes, or maybe the 5th/6th graders I'll see in the library. They usually have some cute ones. :)

[atlantisonearth]

*snorts* That is pretty funny MizCricket. I'll have to ask my kids tomorrow on the way to school some jokes, or maybe the 5th/6th graders I'll see in the library. They usually have some cute ones. :)

Are you a teacher?

[queentina3]

Are you a teacher?

OMG NO, I wouldn't have the patience. LOL!!! I volunteer at my 6th graders school 3 times a week (most weeks). Every 4th Monday and a few other Monday's I work the school store for 3 hours during the lunch periods, every Wednesday I work in the Library until around 11a-12, and every Friday I do photocopying for a group of 5th grade teachers and can take anywhere from 1-2 hours.

[pinkster73]

OMG NO, I wouldn't have the patience. LOL!!! I volunteer at my 6th graders school 3 times a week (most weeks). Every 4th Monday and a few other Monday's I work the school store for 3 hours during the lunch periods, every Wednesday I work in the Library until around 11a-12, and every Friday I do photocopying for a group of 5th grade teachers and can take anywhere from 1-2 hours.

To paraphrase:

She's a school slave.

[queentina3]

To paraphrase:

She's a school slave.

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!! :p

Too true.

That is only at my 6th graders school though, my 3rd grader I only work the Scholastic Book Fair, but that I do all day, every day for the week they have it, which includes 2 nights that coincide with Parent/Teacher conferences. I had that the week before Thanksgiving and the 2 days prior to it as well last year. That was a week of hell I'm not looking forward to repeating in a month and a half when it comes back around again. :p

[Mkay86]

My favorite joke as a kid.

What do you call a bug that hides in flowers and scares bees?

A boobee!

[iusedtobedigusr]

These are things people actually said in court, word for word:


Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.


Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.


Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?


Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.


Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.


Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.


Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.


Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.


Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo
before
the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.


Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: 'What disco am I at?'


Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, =
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?


Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?


Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?


Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was ****ed in the war?


Q: Did he **** you?


Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?


Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?


Q: How many times have you committed suicide?


Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes
Q: And what were you doing at that time?


Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?


Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?


Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?


Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?


Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?


Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.


Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.


Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?


Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

[pinkster73]

Those were good. Made me lol

[viviansmo]

Rofl! Those are good!

[pinkster73]

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

That's my favorite.

[iusedtobedigusr]

We had a thread discussing some rather BAD Lawsuits and why companies write a certain thing on warning labels.

Warning Labels

Manufacturers of consumer products have to be liberal with the warning labels these days, lest they get sued. But for these, it's hard to know whether the company is being outright stupid or if they're simply targeting the most brain dead dumb among us.

"Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet." -- In the information booklet.

"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.

"For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.

"Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.

"Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.

"Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.

"Do not use while sleeping or unconscious." -- On a hand-held massaging device.

"Do not place this product into any electronic equipment." -- On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.

"Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.

"This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool.

"Caution: Do not spray in eyes." -- On a container of underarm deodorant.

"Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.

"Caution: This is not a safety protective device." -- On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn.

"Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter.

"Battery may explore or leak." -- On a battery. See a scanned image.

"Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.

"Not intended for highway use." -- On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow.

"This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.

"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.

"Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth." -- On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock."

"Caution! Contents hot!" -- On a Domino's Pizza box.

"Caution: Hot beverages are hot!" -- On a coffee cup.

"Caution: Shoots rubber bands." -- On a product called "Rubber Band Shooter."

"Warning: May contain small parts." -- On a frisbee.

"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.

"Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.

"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.

"Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use." -- On a battery.

"Warning: Do not use on eyes." -- In the manual for a heated seat cushion.

"Do not look into laser with remaining eye." -- On a laser pointer.

"Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.

"For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod.

"For use by trained personnel only." -- On a can of air freshener.

"Keep out of reach of children and teenagers." -- On a can of air freshener.

"Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you." -- On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.

"Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft." -- In the manual for a jetski.

"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.

"Do not use as ear plugs." -- On a package of silly putty.

"Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator." -- On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia.

"Warning: knives are sharp!" -- On the packaging of a sharpening stone.

"Not for weight control." -- On a pack of Breath Savers.

"Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth." -- On the label of a bottled drink.

"Theft of this container is a crime." -- On a milk crate.

"Do not use intimately." -- On a tube of deodorant.

"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.

"Fragile. Do not drop." -- Posted on a Boeing 757.

"Cannot be made non-poisonous." -- On the back of a can of de-icing windshield fluid.

"Caution: Remove infant before folding for storage." -- On a portable stroller.

"Excessive dust may be irritating to shin and eyes." -- On a tube of agarose powder, used to make gels.

"Look before driving." -- On the dash board of a mail truck.

"Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.

"Do not drive car or operate machinery." -- On Boot's children's cough medicine.

"For indoor or outdoor use only." -- On a string of Christmas lights.

"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." -- On a child sized Superman costume.

"This door is alarmed from 7:00pm - 7:00am." -- On a hospital's outside access door.

"Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted." -- On a sign at a railroad station.

"Warning: do not use if you have prostate problems." -- On a box of Midol PMS relief tablets.

"Product will be hot after heating." -- On a supermarket dessert box.

"Do not turn upside down." -- On the bottom of a supermarket dessert box.

"Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.

"Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball." -- On the label for a cheap rubber ball toy.

"Not for human consumption." -- On a package of dice.

"May be harmful if swallowed." -- On a shipment of hammers.

"Using Ingenio cookware to destroy your old pots may void your warranty." -- A printed message that appears in a television advertisement when the presenter demonstrates how strong the cookware is by using it to beat up and destroy a regular frying pan.

"Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.

"Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers." -- From a manual for an SGI computer.

"Warning: May contain nuts." -- On a package of peanuts.

"Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.

"Do not eat if seal is missing." -- On said seal.

"Remove occupants from the stroller before folding it."

"Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.

"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.

"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.

"Do not use orally after using rectally." -- In the instructions for an electric thermometer.

"Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.

"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.

"Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.

"Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.

"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.

"For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.

"Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless phone.

"Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants." -- On the packaging for a wris****ch.

"Do not wear for sumo wrestling." -- From a set of washing instructions. See a scanned image.

Assurances:

"Safe for use around pets." -- On a box of Arm & Hammer Cat Litter.

Small Print From Commercials:

"Do not use house paint on face." -- In a Visa commercial that depicts an expecting couple looking for paint at a hardware store.

"Do not drive cars in ocean." -- In a car commercial which shows a car in the ocean.

"Always drive on roads. Not on people." -- From a car commercial which shows a vehicle "body-surfing" at a concert.

"For a limited time only." -- From a Rally's commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.

Signs and Notices:

"No stopping or standing." -- A sign at bus stops everywhere.

"Do not sit under coconut trees." -- A sign on a coconut palm in a West Palm Beach park circa 1950.

"These rows reserved for parents with children." -- A sign in a church.

"All cups leaving this store, rather full or empty, must be paid for." -- A sign in a Cumberland Farms in Hillsboro, New Hampshire.

"Malfunction: Too less water." -- A notice left on a coffee machine.

"Prescriptions cannot be filled by phone." -- On a form in a clinic.

"You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." -- On a bag of Fritos.

"Fits one head." -- On a hotel-provided shower cap box.

"Payment is due by the due date." -- On a credit card statement.

"No small children." -- On a laundromat triple washer.

"Warning: Ramp Ends In Stairs." -- A sign, correctly describing the end of a concrete ramp intended for handicap access to a bridge.

Safety Procedures:

"Take care: new non-slip surface." -- On a sign in front of a newly renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building.

"In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood, proceed uphill quickly." -- One of the emergency safety procedures at a summer camp.

Ingredients:

"Ingredients: Artificially bleached flour, sugar, vegetable fat, yeast, salt, gluten, soya flour, emulsifier 472 (E) & 481, flour treatment agents, enzymes, water. May contain: fruit." -- The ingredients list on a package of fruit buns.

"100% pure yarn." -- On a sweater.

"Some materials may irritate sensitive skin. Please look at the materials if you believe this may be the case.
Materials:
Covering: 100% Unknown.
Stuffing: 100% Unknown."
-- On a pillow.

"Cleans and refreshes without soap or water. Contains: Water, fragrance & soap." -- On the packet for a moist towelette. See a scanned image.

Instructions:

"Remove the plastic wrapper." -- The first instruction on a bag of microwave popcorn; to see the instructions, one first has to remove the plastic wrapper and unfold the pouch.

"Take one capsule by mouth three times daily until gone." -- On a box of pills.

"Open packet. Eat contents." -- Instructions on a packet of airline peanuts.

"Remove wrapper, open mouth, insert muffin, eat." -- Instructions on the packaging for a muffin at a 7-11.

"Use like regular soap." -- On a bar of Dial soap.

"Instructions: usage known." -- Instructions on a can of black pepper.

"Serving suggestion: Defrost." -- On a Swann frozen dinner.

"Simply pour the biscuits into a bowl and allow the cat to eat when it wants." -- On a bag of cat biscuits.

"In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors." -- In a car manual.

"Please include the proper portion of your bill." -- On the envelope for an auto insurance bill.

"The appliance is switched on by setting the on/off switch to the 'on' position." -- Instructions for an espresso kettle.

"For heat-retaining corrugated cardboard technology to function properly, close lid." -- On a Domino's sandwich box.

[queentina3]

I loved them all, but seriously, this one still cracks me up.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

[iusedtobedigusr]

I loved them all, but seriously, this one still cracks me up.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

LOL, I can see why, last thing I asked EX, was just dial or insert CC.

[TheRandomDude]

This might be offending to some wifes but it cracks me up :p

Your wife is yelling at the front door and your dog is barking at the back, which one should u let in?

The dog, at least he would shut up when he gets in.

[pinkster73]

This might be offending to some wifes but it cracks me up :p

Your wife is yelling at the front door and your dog is barking at the back, which one should u let in?

The dog, at least he would shut up when he gets in.

Ha ha my husband liked it

[queentina3]

This might be offending to some wifes but it cracks me up :p

Your HUSBAND is yelling at the front door and your dog is barking at the back, which one should u let in?

The dog, at least SHE would shut up when SHE gets in.

Not offended as I made the appropriate changes. :p

[TheRandomDude]

Not offended as I made the appropriate changes. :p

lololol nice changes :p

[TheRandomDude]

What's The Definition Of Bravery? A Man With Chancing A !

[atlantisonearth]

HOW TO FAIL AN IQ TEST

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle


Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page


Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid


Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage


Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams


Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner


Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half


Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet


Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.


Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..


Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands


Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.


Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

[lylahmae]

What do fish farts smell like?
Worms.
My uncle used to tell all the cousins this at about age 4 then tell them to smell the goldfish bowl and then laugh hysterically every time :)

[jumphigh128]

There was three guys getting on a plane, the first one had a sandwich, the second one had a bag of peanuts and the third one had a bomb.

While they were up in the air the pilot said that the plane was too heavy and if it didn't get any weight off of it it was going to crash.

So the first guy drops his sandwich off, but still wasn't enough, so he jumped off and lived, when he got down he saw this little girl crying and crying and he asked what was the matter and she said that a sandwich hit her on the head, so he said he was sorry.

Meanwhile up in the plane it was still too heavy so the second guy dropped his bag of peanuts off, but it still wasn't enough so he jumped off and lived, when he got down there he saw this little girl crying and crying, so he asked what was the matter and she said that a bag of peanuts hit her on the head, so he said he was sorry.

Meanwhile up in the plane it was still too heavy so the third guy dropped his bomb off but it still was too heavy so he jumped off and lived when he got down there he saw this little boy laughing and laughing and he asked the little boy what was so funny and he said I farted and a building blew up!!

[AnnasCoffee]

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a cup of tea with that?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

[atlantisonearth]

"Desserts" is "Stressed" backwards, vice versa.

[Blocked99]

So there's 2 muffins in an oven.
One muffin turns to the other muffin and says "gee, it sure is hot in here"
The other muffin says "Omg a talking muffin!"
haha this one is epic

[oxford37]

This might be offending to some wifes but it cracks me up :p

Your wife is yelling at the front door and your dog is barking at the back, which one should u let in?

The dog, at least he would shut up when he gets in.

LOL that is so FUNNY!!!!

[oxford37]

Here's mine:

Why did the toilet roll go down the hill?
To get to the bottom!

[creecherness]

What do you call a dog with no legs?


It doesn't matter; he's not going to come.

[oxford37]

What do you call a dog with no legs?


It doesn't matter; he's not going to come.

LOL, That is so funny!!!!!!!


Stop Kony!

http://www.frostclick.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Kony2012-200x200.jpg

To understand more about Kony, please click on the link below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4MnpzG5Sqc

[aaralyynnoel]

I don't like kony. AT ALL!!!!

[queentina3]

My mother sent this to me last night, I'm still giggling.

Please nobody take offense.

Chinese Medical Advice in the Year of the Dragon!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans...

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what ****s you.

[cubsrock1908]

I'm bad at jokes but I will just make one up that I like!
What do u get when u combine Bad with Horrible?
One direction ( No offense)

[mtytomlinson]

I'm bad at jokes but I will just make one up that I like!
What do u get when u combine Bad with Horrible?
One direction ( No offense)

Looool my names one of the band's name haha but none taken :)

[Branston73]

I don't like kony. AT ALL!!!!

I hate him too.

[copycats]

A little girl was being selfish to her brothers. Her Dad sat her down and gave her a big lecture about being selfish. When he was done, the little girl said; "Daddy, I don't even have a shell fish!

[amymcc]

The husband comes home from work. The front door is wide open. In the kitchen, food is all over the counters, all the cabinet doors are hanging open. The children are running around naked in the backyard. The dog is eating out of the trashcan. Everything is a mess. He goes into the bedroom and sees his wife in bed reading a book. "Honey, are you ok?" he asks. "Oh yes." she replies. "What is going on here." he asks. She answers. "Everyday when you come home, you ask me what I did all day. Well today I didn't do it."

[Godlovesyou12]

You know you are in a Texas church when
People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.

The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.

The restrooms are outside.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

When it rains, everyone is smiling.

Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.

The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale".

The pastor wears boots.

Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.

There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.

Baptism is referred to as "branding".

There is a special fund raiser for a new septic tank.

Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.

People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.

People think "rapture" is when you lift something too heavy.

The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?"

[Godlovesyou12]

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely poop my pants

[Godlovesyou12]

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

[Godlovesyou12]

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

[Godlovesyou12]

NEW INVENTIONS BY BLONDES:

The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlight

Submarine screen door

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart board

A dictionary index

Powdered water

Pedal powered wheel chair

Water proof tea bags

Zero proof alcohol

Reusable ice cubes

Skinless bananas

Do it yourself roadmap

[Godlovesyou12]

A bleached blonde and a natural blonde were on top of the Empire State Building.

How do you tell them apart?

The bleached blonde would never throw bread to the helicopters.

[Godlovesyou12]

So there's 2 muffins in an oven.
One muffin turns to the other muffin and says "gee, it sure is hot in here"
The other muffin says "Omg a talking muffin!"

i dont get it!

[cubsrock1908]

What does a toilet say to a tub?
Plz pass the peas ( Get it peas as in pee)

[mtytomlinson]

A married couple was involved in a minor car accident. The lady was expecting her child at that moment. When the man woke up in the hospital, he saw his brother next to him asked for his wife and his child. his brother said, 'Your wife is not up yet, but the child was delivered. And oh, they were twins - a boy and a girl.' the man was really happy and his brother said, 'The nurse had to rush the documents so she asked me to name them. I hope you don't mind. I named the girl Denise.' the man was alright with it as he thought Denise sounded nice. 'What about the boy?' he asked. 'um.. I kinda was having a hard time thinking bout it, but I named him Denephew..!' ...get it? :D

[mtytomlinson]

A married couple was involved in a minor car accident. The lady was expecting her child at that moment. When the man woke up in the hospital, he saw his brother next to him asked for his wife and his child. his brother said, 'Your wife is not up yet, but the child was delivered. And oh, they were twins - a boy and a girl.' the man was really happy and his brother said, 'The nurse had to rush the documents so she asked me to name them. I hope you don't mind. I named the girl Denise.' the man was alright with it as he thought Denise sounded nice. 'What about the boy?' he asked. 'um.. I kinda was having a hard time thinking bout it, but I named him Denephew..!' ...get it? :D

I think I got it from one of the forums here.. Or tumblr.. I'm not sure haha but still it's funny xD

[cubsrock1908]

" Did u just fall?" "No I attacked the floor!" "Backwards?" "I know I know I'm pretty talented!"

[copycats]

When is the best time to go to the dentist?
2:30 (tooth hurty)
When does Friday come before Thursday?
In the dictionary
What did the fruit tree say to the farmer?
Stop picking on me
What lights up a soccer stadium?
A soccer match
What does a person say to a rich person that never takes a bath?
You're filthy rich

[cubsrock1908]

Yo momma joke: yo momma so fat when she wears a black dress she looks like outer space

[RoseMeyer]

why was six afraid of seven?

because seven ate nine.

[lylahmae]

My dad's favorite joke:

If you say something like "my feet hurt"
he says "does your face hurt?"
he wants you to say something like no or why so he can say "it's ****ing me!"

[hmvl]

A repairman entered a house to fix a broken washing machine and the owner, John, told him "I have a big rotweiler named ****er and a parrot. The rotweiler won't bother you. Whatever you do, don't irratate the parrot!" So the repairman went in and started fixing the washing machine and discovered that the owner was right! The rotweiler didn't do a single thing, so the repairman started the work. The parrot began to annoy he and at one point the repairman got so angry that he yelled at the parrot "Why won't you just shut up!" And so the parrot replied" ****er, get him!"

[hmvl]

Another joke: A visitor went on a pirate ship and found that the captain had lost an eye, leg, and hand. So he asked the captain, " Why do you not have your hand, leg, and one eye?" The captain replied, " Aye, So me had a fight on the first ship me was one. And someone was cutting me arm and leg until some matey saved me. My leg was replaced with this stub, and this arm was replaced with a hook." The visitor asked, " So how did you loose your eye." The captain replied " Well ya see, it was me first day with the hook and a bird pooped onto me eye..."

[cubsrock1908]

Got this off Victorious! Wow Cat's bad at jokes!
"Knock Knock" Who's there" "Isn't" Isn't who" Isn't life great"

[smiley326]

Nurse: doctor! doctor! There is an invisible man in looking for you!
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him...

[Titania_Erza]

Girl: Mommy! Why ghost can cheers better than me?! Whoaaaaaa
Mommy: Because, they have lot of spirits :p

[Zetra]

One day,a negative ion and a postive ion walking on the street,postive ion:My life so terrible!I can't believe I loses my 10th girlfriend!
Negative Ion:Oh come on!Don't be negative.
Postive Ion:I'm Postive!

[smiley326]

@Zetra: that's really funny! I can't stop laughing hahahahah ^^

[purpsandherb]

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
• • • • • • • • • • • • • •
She fell out of the tree!

[kylebusch]

What did the pacific ocean say to the Atlantic ocean? Nothing they just waved

[retro71]

Hear about the insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic?

Poor fella lay awake nights wondering if there really is a Dog.

[kooky panda]

New Joke Thread here. (http://forums.storm8.com/showthread.php?70235-The-Joke-Thread&p=923699&viewfull=1#post923699)